Sub-lime?

Stax 青柠味 Lime Flavor

I found these Chinese Stax chips on a recent trip to Jungle Jim's and thought I'd give them a try. I've tried other chips with lime flavoring before and most of them were pretty decent, so why not?

Silly question.

Ok, right off the bat I saw that the packaging was more like Pringles than the Stax I've seen. Not a  problem and rather trivial, but hey, that's how my brain works. Then I opened up the package and things started to really get weird.

Whaaa?  Why do these chips need a plastic insert when Pringles don't?  Is it some kind of legal thing in China?  Maybe the shipping there is rougher so the chips need more protection?  Huh.

Enough about the packaging.  On to the important stuff!

The chips had a vaguely citrus scent, not too strong and reasonably pleasant, with some slightly odd undertones I couldn't identify.

At this point I was getting the feeling that things were going off the rails, kind of like one of those insurance commercials where the person just stands there in disbelief as their daily life gets more and more surreal.  This was not my typical potato chip experience and I was having trouble making sense of it.

What's next, flavor powder?  Right!  There was a moderate amount of yellow powder on the chips, with a sprinkling of green flecks. Since the chips were the exact same shade of yellow as the powder it was a bit of a challenge to see how much there was. Some of it did come off on my fingers though. They don't leave a permanent stain but these are chips that probably require a napkin. And then ...

Oh God, they're sweet and very un-potato-chip tasting. I struggled to work out exactly what the flavor was. My mind kept going back to the Wyler's powdered lemonade mix we used to take with us on camping trips, but maybe with a little lime jell-o powder mixed in.  I ate several of the chips while trying to nail down exactly what it was, ignoring the screams of my taste buds and the wailing of my standards. But it was no use; I just couldn't get at the buried taste memory.

Then Cindy said it was Froot Loops.  She's right.

Rating: 1/4

The Red Menace

Lay's Ketchup

This is the third bag of chips I've got from Lay's "Tastes of America" promotion. Sadly, none of the local groceries seem to be carrying any of the other flavors. I was especially interested in trying the New England Lobster Roll chips and the Fried Pickles with Ranch. Much sadness.

I managed to get to this bag before anyone else in the house, which is a bit surprising as they were in the pantry for a full week. I think the whole idea of ketchup flavored chips kind of threw them.

This isn't the first time I've reviewed ketchup chips, and even before that I'd had some experience with them. That lead me to expect a certain degree of ... bluntness ... with the flavor. No problem! I didn't hate them the previous times so it all should be good - I opened the bag and (figuratively) dove right in.

The chips had, unsurprisingly, a strong scent of ketchup. Pretty good, though it might have been a touch heavier on the vinegar than I normally like. That might be due to the type of ketchup I'm used to (Heinz) or maybe not. In spite of a strong and irrational aversion to anything labelled "catsup" I'm really not that picky about ketchup.

Just what is it with the "catsup" spelling anyway? Does any rational human being actually prefer that spelling? It makes it sound like something meant to feed to animals. Yurgh.

Where was I?  Oh, right!

The chips were coated with a moderate amount of red powder, noticeable but not so bad as to cheetofy the fingers (and nowhere near as heavy as the ketchup chips I'd had in Canada way back when). I was about to try one when I noticed something odd.  The inside of the bag was kind of spattered with with ketchup flavor.

That got me wondering if there is something odd about this particular flavor or if other flavored chips also got flavor gunk on the inside of the bag and I'd just missed it somehow. I like to think of myself as rather observant, but now I'm filled with self doubt. Thanks, Frito-Lay. I'll send you the therapy bill.

After a few minutes of wallowing in uncertainty over my mental faculties, I remembered why I'd opened the bag in the first place and, you know, actually got around to eating a frickin' potato chip.

The flavor was light and (unsurprisingly) kind of ketchupy. The chips were also a bit sweeter than I expected (definitely not Heinz) and almost had a barbecue aspect. What really surprised me though was how mild the flavor was. I was expecting a serious level of ketchup and what I got was more ...

Lay's:  "Here, have some nice potato chips. Do they remind you at all of ketchup?"  

Me:  "Yeah, sort of ... I guess ... well ... They do smell like ketchup."

So they were pleasant and nothing about them was repulsive or anything, but the flavor was so mild that they almost weren't worth it.

Rating:  3/5

Deep Flavor

Lay's Deep Dish Pizza

This was actually the second bag of these chips I bought, because my daughter ate all of the first one. From the rumpled packaging in the photo you can probably guess that she also got to this bag before I could do the review. Fortunately I still got to try some of them.

Before I go any further, I want to make one thing clear; I'm not going to get into the whole "real pizza" debate. After all, it is written in The Book of Refreshments:

"It was then revealed to Louis, and his eyes were opened wide, that it would be very bad to ask either Drew or Tony if pizza should be thick or thin of crust. For this is a matter of greater truth that is best left to the Prophets."  [Chapter 14, verses 35-36]

With that out of the way ...

The chips had a strong scent of pizza sauce, along with an underlying note of ... cheese?  dough? I'm really not sure but it was a smell I associate with pizza.

That's not an association you should take lightly. I worked in a pizza place back in college and I still remember the smell ... um ... I mean scent ... or maybe fragrance ... ok, it was a smell.

Still, the thing is that the way these chips smelled really made me think of pizza, and not cheap crappy pizza like from that one place on High street that everyone who went to Miami University will know what I'm talking about but I'm not going to name because I don't want to get sued or anything. No, these chips smelled like good pizza with home-made sauce from one of those little mom & pop joints that have been in business since 1962 and the only person who knows the sauce recipe is the old dude working by themselves back in the kitchen.

The chips had a moderate coating of red powder with little flecks of spice that looked like oregano. That's not too surprising, really. I suppose if the flavor powder didn't already make you think of pizza then they'd add color and whatnot to make sure it did.

I found all of this pretty encouraging so I went ahead and ate some chips. Here's a surprise.  You know what? They tasted like pizza.

To be a bit more precise, they had a strong flavor of good pizza sauce without it being overpowering. There might have been some cheese flavor there as well, something like Parmesan or Romano. The flavor was real enough that I could imagine Lay's grinding up and drying whole deep-dish pizzas and sprinkling the powder on potato chips.

Not quite up to DANGER level, but still very good.

Rating: 4/5

Gotta Pop!

Lay's Wavy Bacon Wrapped Jalapeño Popper

As the summer progressed I was getting increasingly worried that Lay's wasn't going to be doing their usual batch of funky flavors. In past years they'd come out much earlier but there was nothing. Then, much to my delight, there was an announcement and a bunch of new chips hit the grocery stores.

Ok ... it's kind of sad that one of the highlights of my summer is potato chips. Nevertheless ...

"Stop with the nattering and tell us about the chips, Doc!" I hear you cry. Right-O!  I'm on it like a donkey on a waffle!

On opening the bag I was greeted to a light, smokey scent with just a hint of vinegar. It was pleasant and encouraging, and not at all overpowering.

I'm always a bit leery of bacon-flavored stuff because sometimes it's way too strong and kind of artificial in the same way that grape-flavored candy usually tastes more purple than grape. At this point in the tangent I should probably reassure you that these chips have no grape flavor or scent whatsoever. The grape thing was just a simile to illustrate my dislike of strong artificial ... never mind.

The chips themselves had a light amount of chip-colored powder with scattered green flecks. They were a bit greasy, but not as bad as kettle chips usually are.

Heartened by the pleasant scent and harmless appearance, I tried one. Huh. I first noticed a very light bacon flavor, and then a hint of cheese and jalapeño. There was just a touch of spiciness that built a bit, but it never got above what I would call "mild."

The thing is, while the first couple of chips were just sort of pleasant, the flavor steadily became more pronounced and more enticing with each one. I quickly discovered that I REALLY like these. I could easily polish off an entire bag without trying, which puts them well into a category which I'm now going to refer to as "DANGER CHIPS".

Rating:  5/5

I Can't Hear You

Pringles Loud Zesty Ranch

I took one look at these in the grocery store and said, "What?" 

I suppose potato chips can be considered "LOUD" if they're really really crunchy. Like when, no matter how slowly and gently you chew them, the crunching sound goes right through your cheeks and wakes up the neighbor's dog who then watches you eat the rest of the chips, following each one from the package to your mouth and silently judging you as the sort of person who wouldn't give and obviously starving dog one measly little potato chip. You monster.

A potato chip could also be considered "LOUD" if the flavor were really strong. You know the kind. You eat one and for the next three hours you taste nothing but flavor powder and your breath peels the paint off the walls and nobody will kiss you ever again.

I had to know which one it was, so I bought them.

I opened the canister and was greeted by the scent of ... something. It was really pretty faint. Maybe ranch? Yeah, it could be ranch ... I suppose ... on a foggy day.

The chips looked like slightly thicker than normal Pringles, with heavy yellow powder on one side only.  They were also a bit browner than usual.

I ate one. It didn't crunch any more than usual. No sign of the neighbor's dog.

The flavor was of onions, salt, corn chips, and a slight hint of sour cream. As I crunched I looked at the ingredients label. It turns out Pringles LOUD is made from yellow corn flour rather than potato.

I ate a few more to try and understand the experience I was having. After a bit the taste got to be more ranch-like, but it was still mostly salt and corn chips.

The paint stayed on the walls. Cindy was still willing to kiss me.

Nope. They're ok, but I just don't get the "LOUD" part.

Rating: 3/5

Smokey Says ...

Kettle Brand Wood Smoked Sea Salt

I almost didn't buy these.

You'll notice that there aren't a lot of reviews on this site of unflavored potato chips. I suppose that I could comment on how good the potato ... flavor is, on the crunchiness, or on how many or few chips are actually in the package. Where's the fun in that though? I mean really, unflavored potato chips are really kind of boring. I MUST HAVE FLAVOR!

With that in mind, I just wasn't sure if smoked salt counts as a flavor. I mean technically, yes, it does, kind of, sort of, but is it a real flavor? Well, there was only one way to find out.

In spite of my best efforts so far, Kettle Brand's packaging still features their patented Evil-Bag-Ruining-Notch™. Note the top of the bag in the photo - I defeated their plans with a pair of scissors. One day they will see reason, but today is not that day.

The chips had a good scent of ... um ... wood smoke. It wasn't too heavy but it was unmistakable. [*sniff* *sniff*] ... "Burning wood. Huh."

On the plus side for those obsessed with keeping there fingers clean, there was no flavor powder at all. Really given how many kinds of flavored chips I've tried this was something I was completely unused to.

As for the taste, these chips had a distinct flavor of ... um ... wood smoke. Again it was light, which I suspect is a good thing. You don't want to eat a chip and then feel like you'd French kissed a campfire.

Overall, these chips came across as good but somehow boring at the same time.

Rating: 4/5

Doesn't Stack Up

Lay's Stax Buffalo Wings with Ranch

This was the first time I tried Lay's Stax chips. I like Pringles (much to Cindy's bafflement), and Lay's has done pretty well with other flavors, so I figured these would be worth a try.

I would like to note that I prefer the Pringles packaging. The plastic canister that Stax comes in makes them seem even farther from being actual food. That being said, I didn't take the packaging into account for the rating below. It's all about the actual chips, don't'cha know.

On opening the top of the canister I was greeted by a pretty good buffalo scent. Wait ... having seen actual live buffalo that doesn't sound right. I mean they (the chips, not the buffalo) smelled reasonably like buffalo sauce ... which isn't sauce made by or put on buffalo ... but I think maybe the sauce originated in Buffalo, New York or something.

Anyways, I dumped out a few of the chips and the first thing I noticed is that they're not shaped like Pringles. Stax are curved like they were made on the outside of a cylinder, whereas Pringles are shaped like a hyperbolic paraboloid.

The chips also had a heavy coating of orange-red powder ... but only on one side. I've read that Pringles are also only coated on one side, but somehow this seemed more pronounced. Weird.

As for taste, I got a solid sour cream and ranch flavor and a burst of heat. Surprisingly though there wasn't much in the way of buffalo flavor. I was expecting a bit of vinegar and such that just wasn't there.

Cindy turned up her nose at them.

On the whole, I thought they were ok. However the Pringles Buffalo Ranch is better.

Rating: 3/5

Fatal Maple

Kettle Brand Maple Bacon

Let me say this up front: I'm one of those sorts who doesn't like it when the maple syrup from my pancakes gets on the breakfast meats. I know other folks like maple-flavored sausage and such, and to me that seems really weird. Now add in the fact that I really don't care for really strong or artificial maple flavors and you can understand why I would approach these chips with caution.

Oh, you know those doughnuts with the maple icing and the slice of bacon on top? They're an abomination - spoiling not only perfectly good bacon but wasting a whole freakin' doughnut as well!

Ah ... sorry, kind of got off on a tangent there.

So I opened the bag of chips, taking care to avoid Kettle Brand's patented Evil-Bag-Ruining-Notch™, and cautiously gave a sniff.  Nothing but a light fragrance of smoked bacon. Really that was quite encouraging. I like bacon, especially if it's not overdone, and there wasn't even a hint of maple.

The chips had a light amount of brown/beige powder that didn't smell of maple either.

On tasting ... well they weren't awful. They were slightly sweet with a very light amount of maple flavoring. I'd eat a chip and say, "Huh." Then I'd try another. I think I went through a small handful that way, not really loving the chips but not hating them either.

The family ate the rest of the bag. Cindy's only complaint was that she doesn't like sweet chips so much, though these weren't too bad. I figure they weren't as bad as the dreaded Cappuccino chips, but they're not something I would crave either.

Rating: 2/5 (Your mileage may vary)

BBBQ

Kettle Brand Bourbon BBQ

Another bag of chips from the impressive selection of Kettle Brand chips at the local Kroger. Given that I tend to like barbecue chips, I had moderately high hopes for these.

The packaging included Kettle Brand's patented Evil-Bag-Ruining-Notch™, but I defeated their fiendish plan by cutting off the top of the bag with scissors. Hah! Making the world safe for chip-clips, one bag at a time!

The scent of these chips was surprisingly low key. There was a bit of barbecue smell but mostly it was just ... potato chip. That's almost as exciting as smelling steamed rice.

The chips themselves were coated with a moderate amount of red-brown powder. Really the amount wasn't out of line for barbecue chips. Any less powder and I'd have started to wonder of the flavor machine was running empty.

In terms of taste there wasn't much of a surprise either. There was a reasonable barbecue flavor with a bit of an odd bite to them - maybe that's supposed to be the bourbon? Whatever it was, it made the chips slightly bitter. There was also a very mild, unpleasant aftertaste that frankly reminded me of throwing up. I probably wouldn't have noticed it though if I hadn't been paying attention.

Cindy liked them but thought they were a bit too sweet.

Rating: 3/5

Blasé Blaze

Doritos Blaze

This is one of those cases where I went ahead and tried the chips even though I expected them to be too spicy. I was not disappointed.

On opening the bag I was greeted by a strong scent of chili powder, with notes of curry. In some ways this was encouraging - it raises the possibility that there's some flavor there other than just "hot".

Powder. These things had some serious powder on them. That's not too surprising for Doritos, I suppose, but there was enough brick-red spice powder here to season a major metropolitan area. Be prepared to wash your hands ... and clothes ... and carpeting ... etc.

So after making the above observations, I steeled myself and ate one. First there was the taste of chili peppers with just a touch of lime and a moderate amount of heat. This was followed by an afterburn suitable to a Falcon 9 rocket. At the end I was left with a slight aftertaste of seared tastebuds.

Cindy said these are the chips to give to your friends who say nothing is ever hot enough. They still won't be hot enough for them, but those guys won't notice how boring the actual taste is.

In summary, they're spicy but there's not enough actual flavor to be worth it.

Rating: 2/5