I'm Not Shellfish

  

 Lay's Spicy Lobster

Let's talk about bravery.

Celeste dug into the snack stash and pulled out a bag of chips. "Can I have these?" she asked.

I thought about it for a moment.  I was planning to do a post about them but hadn't gotten around to it, so part of me was thinking that I should tell her to wait.  But heck, she's my daughter and it wasn't the only bag of chips in the sea, so I said "Sure, go ahead."

She walked out of the room, happy.

One minute later she walked back in with the open bag and a horrified expression on her face.

This is that very bag of chips, and even after her complete rejection of them after one nibble of a chip I still tried them.

That is bravery ... or maybe stupidity ... or sheer bloodymindedness.  Nevertheless ...

The chips have a scent that's kind of like Thai fish sauce.  I suppose that's appropriate.

For appearance they're pretty unremarkable, with a light dusting of orange powder.  If I didn't know better I'd think they were ordinary cheesy chips or maybe barbecue.

The flavor, surprisingly, isn't bad.  They taste a bit like some of the fishy or nori-wrapped crackers in the cans of Hapi Party Mix - a little savory, a little fishy, and a little sweet - though these are a lot saltier.

You know you want some!

So they're not exactly something I'd seek out again, but I don't think they deserved the grimace that Celeste gave them.  Then again, I think she'd been wanting chocolate before that so it might be connected to the difference between what she wanted and what she got.

[Addendum:  These things give you serious Sea-Dragon Breath!]

Rating: 3/5

Mango Away

 

 Lay's Chile Mango

Ever since I tried the Kettle Brand Tropical Salsa chips even the thought of fruit-flavored potato chips makes me a bit twitchy.  That's kind of impressive, really, considering that was over three years ago.  So when I saw these at the local Kroger I knew I was going to buy them, but at the same time I had to ignore the little voice in the back of my mind screaming, "NONONONONONONONO!!!"

But this is the sort of sacrifice I must make for the sake of novelty.  Sometimes I must push past my point of comfort, or otherwise I'd be eating a single flavor of chips all the time and risk most certain flavor fatigue.

I opened this bag and was struck by a strong scent of rotting spinach, which then trailed off into chili powder and rotting spinach.  I can confirm that I did indeed make a "yuck" face, but this is for science, don't'cha know.

The chips had a heavy, finger staining coating of reddish-brown powder that looked like barbecue, or maybe chili powder.  

Nothing green or slimy ... perhaps my original impression was in error.  I cautiously sniffed again.  Nope, I was correct the first time.

It is a testament to my determination that I went ahead and tried a chip.

The first thing I tasted was rotting spinach, followed by an herbal note (maybe oregano?) and then old mango peels.  While most of my mind was dealing with horror and confusion that the Flavor Wizards at Lay's could have done me such a wrong, the little voice in back said, "Told you so!" and then just sat there looking smug.

Um, Lay's?  I bet you CAN eat just one.

Rating: 1/5

Chili Chili Chili

 Lay's Game Day Chili

Unless you live in Cincinnati you can never truly understand the level of excitement (or, depending on your tastes, terror) that can be caused by the word "chili".  The chili they serve here is ... unique.  Having lived here for the past twenty years, I was a little wary of buying these chips.  Nevertheless, they're chips and I saw them, so I was compelled to give them a try.

When I opened the bag I was greeted with a strong scent of barbecue.  "Barbecue?  Really?" my olfactory glands said.  I sniffed again.  Yup, definitely a nice, brown sugar and honey barbecue ... maybe with a little citrus.

Huh.

The chips are liberally coated with an orange-red powder that says, "FLAVOR!!!"

On tasting there's a light forward note that might be barbecue ... or maybe not.  This rapidly shifts to full on chili powder.  The kind that comes in big, store-brand containers at the grocery.  That's it.  No other flavors.  Just a mouthful of chili powder.  Surprisingly there's only a very mild amount of spiciness and almost no afterburn.

I think I would have liked them better if they tasted like they smell.  Of course then they'd be barbecue chips rather than chili.

Celeste liked them better than I did and seemed glad they weren't barbecue.

Rating: 2/5

Irish Try Video

 I haven't posted any chips for quite a while (hoping to change that soon), but I just came across this video from The Try Channel where they try some different flavors from Lay's.  It's a nice bit of flavor review combined with a bit of a cross-cultural twist.

Full-Metal Scottish

Mackie's of Scotland Haggis & Cracked Black Pepper

There are some things I'm going to buy even if I think they might be terrible, and haggis-flavored potato chips (... sorry, crisps ...) are right there at the top of the list.

I should admit here that I've never actually had haggis. That's not from unwillingness on my part as much as because the US government doesn't allow haggis to be sold here. There are some canned things labelled as haggis you can buy but from what I understand they don't contain all the ... stuff ... that is normally used. Someday maybe I'll go to Scotland and have the real thing.

An aside here, do you see the text on the package saying "naturally grown potatoes"?  It kind of bothers me. As opposed to what?  Unnaturally grown potatoes?  Supernaturally grown?  I suppose they want to imply "All Natural" ingredients and organic food and such without tripping over any legally restricted words, but still ...

I opened the package and was greeted with the scent of bacon, along with something that made me think of oatmeal cookies. I guess that makes sense given they're a normal ingredient in haggis.

Another aside, I've now typed the word "haggis" too many times and it's started to lose all meaning. Is "haggis" really a word? I keep looking back up to the photo and it's still there and I'm spelling it the same way. Incidentally, my spell checker isn't bothered at all by "haggis".  Haggis.  Dear God, I've broken my brain.

Anyway, the chips had a moderate amount of flavor powder, ranging from beige to black.

They also had an odd texture to them, kind of like puffed chips, or maybe styrofoam packing material (oh, sure, spellchecker!  "styrofoam" is not allowed but "haggis" is just fine). Just what did they do to these chips to get that texture? Whatever it was it pretty much took out the whole "natural" angle.

As far as flavor goes the chips had a smoky, roast beef taste. There was also a bit of "burned" flavor and the kind of spiciness I associate with freshly cracked black pepper. I think these would be kind of good if it weren't for the whole styrofoam texture thing.

Rating: 2/5

Mmmm ... Pie!

7-Select Pumpkin Pie

While driving home from visiting the family for Thanksgiving, I made a stop for gas and caffeine. Of course I had to look over the chip selection and - lo and behold - these chips were patiently waiting for me.

I'll admit that I hesitated. I was pretty sure they were going to be sweet and my experience with sweet chips hasn't been all that good. In the end thought I just couldn't resist the oddness and holiday theme. Take heart, potato chip manufacturers - no matter how strange the flavor you have at least one guaranteed sale with me.

I waited to open the chips until I got home just so I could give them my undivided attention. Good readers, I tell you this so you'll understand my dedication to you. I will deny my own curiosity just to make sure you get a quality review. Ok, there was also the minor issue that I couldn't get the bag open. The thing wouldn't open up with the standard techniques and there wasn't even a version of Kettle Brand's patented Evil-Bag-Ruining-Notch™.

No matter. The next day I used a pair of scissors and had the chips with lunch.

The bag opened and puffed out a strong scent of pumpkin pie spice. There was even a touch of pie crust to the smell, which was kind of impressive. Either the scent faded after a few moments or my nose became desensitized. It still wasn't an unpleasant experience.

The chips themselves had a light coating of brown powder.

And the taste? First of all, these things were sweet. They were not quite up to the level of caramel corn, but they were still too sweet to be eating for lunch with a turkey sandwich. I suppose that's proper given that pumpkin pie is a dessert rather than a side dish. That being said, I didn't stop eating them. The chips really did taste like pumpkin pie - not just pumpkin pie spice but the actual pie, complete with pumpkin and piecrust.

About halfway through the bag I noticed spatterings of ... pumpkin? ... on the inside of the bag, which I'd seen before with the ketchup chips.

Maybe it has to do with the moisture level of some flavorings. I'll really have to keep an eye out for it in other chips.

On the whole, I really liked these chips. Cindy said they were interesting and sort of ok, but she only ate one ... but then she doesn't like sweet barbecue flavors much.

Rating: 4/5

Sub-lime?

Stax 青柠味 Lime Flavor

I found these Chinese Stax chips on a recent trip to Jungle Jim's and thought I'd give them a try. I've tried other chips with lime flavoring before and most of them were pretty decent, so why not?

Silly question.

Ok, right off the bat I saw that the packaging was more like Pringles than the Stax I've seen. Not a  problem and rather trivial, but hey, that's how my brain works. Then I opened up the package and things started to really get weird.

Whaaa?  Why do these chips need a plastic insert when Pringles don't?  Is it some kind of legal thing in China?  Maybe the shipping there is rougher so the chips need more protection?  Huh.

Enough about the packaging.  On to the important stuff!

The chips had a vaguely citrus scent, not too strong and reasonably pleasant, with some slightly odd undertones I couldn't identify.

At this point I was getting the feeling that things were going off the rails, kind of like one of those insurance commercials where the person just stands there in disbelief as their daily life gets more and more surreal.  This was not my typical potato chip experience and I was having trouble making sense of it.

What's next, flavor powder?  Right!  There was a moderate amount of yellow powder on the chips, with a sprinkling of green flecks. Since the chips were the exact same shade of yellow as the powder it was a bit of a challenge to see how much there was. Some of it did come off on my fingers though. They don't leave a permanent stain but these are chips that probably require a napkin. And then ...

Oh God, they're sweet and very un-potato-chip tasting. I struggled to work out exactly what the flavor was. My mind kept going back to the Wyler's powdered lemonade mix we used to take with us on camping trips, but maybe with a little lime jell-o powder mixed in.  I ate several of the chips while trying to nail down exactly what it was, ignoring the screams of my taste buds and the wailing of my standards. But it was no use; I just couldn't get at the buried taste memory.

Then Cindy said it was Froot Loops.  She's right.

Rating: 1/4

The Red Menace

Lay's Ketchup

This is the third bag of chips I've got from Lay's "Tastes of America" promotion. Sadly, none of the local groceries seem to be carrying any of the other flavors. I was especially interested in trying the New England Lobster Roll chips and the Fried Pickles with Ranch. Much sadness.

I managed to get to this bag before anyone else in the house, which is a bit surprising as they were in the pantry for a full week. I think the whole idea of ketchup flavored chips kind of threw them.

This isn't the first time I've reviewed ketchup chips, and even before that I'd had some experience with them. That lead me to expect a certain degree of ... bluntness ... with the flavor. No problem! I didn't hate them the previous times so it all should be good - I opened the bag and (figuratively) dove right in.

The chips had, unsurprisingly, a strong scent of ketchup. Pretty good, though it might have been a touch heavier on the vinegar than I normally like. That might be due to the type of ketchup I'm used to (Heinz) or maybe not. In spite of a strong and irrational aversion to anything labelled "catsup" I'm really not that picky about ketchup.

Just what is it with the "catsup" spelling anyway? Does any rational human being actually prefer that spelling? It makes it sound like something meant to feed to animals. Yurgh.

Where was I?  Oh, right!

The chips were coated with a moderate amount of red powder, noticeable but not so bad as to cheetofy the fingers (and nowhere near as heavy as the ketchup chips I'd had in Canada way back when). I was about to try one when I noticed something odd.  The inside of the bag was kind of spattered with with ketchup flavor.

That got me wondering if there is something odd about this particular flavor or if other flavored chips also got flavor gunk on the inside of the bag and I'd just missed it somehow. I like to think of myself as rather observant, but now I'm filled with self doubt. Thanks, Frito-Lay. I'll send you the therapy bill.

After a few minutes of wallowing in uncertainty over my mental faculties, I remembered why I'd opened the bag in the first place and, you know, actually got around to eating a frickin' potato chip.

The flavor was light and (unsurprisingly) kind of ketchupy. The chips were also a bit sweeter than I expected (definitely not Heinz) and almost had a barbecue aspect. What really surprised me though was how mild the flavor was. I was expecting a serious level of ketchup and what I got was more ...

Lay's:  "Here, have some nice potato chips. Do they remind you at all of ketchup?"  

Me:  "Yeah, sort of ... I guess ... well ... They do smell like ketchup."

So they were pleasant and nothing about them was repulsive or anything, but the flavor was so mild that they almost weren't worth it.

Rating:  3/5

Deep Flavor

Lay's Deep Dish Pizza

This was actually the second bag of these chips I bought, because my daughter ate all of the first one. From the rumpled packaging in the photo you can probably guess that she also got to this bag before I could do the review. Fortunately I still got to try some of them.

Before I go any further, I want to make one thing clear; I'm not going to get into the whole "real pizza" debate. After all, it is written in The Book of Refreshments:

"It was then revealed to Louis, and his eyes were opened wide, that it would be very bad to ask either Drew or Tony if pizza should be thick or thin of crust. For this is a matter of greater truth that is best left to the Prophets."  [Chapter 14, verses 35-36]

With that out of the way ...

The chips had a strong scent of pizza sauce, along with an underlying note of ... cheese?  dough? I'm really not sure but it was a smell I associate with pizza.

That's not an association you should take lightly. I worked in a pizza place back in college and I still remember the smell ... um ... I mean scent ... or maybe fragrance ... ok, it was a smell.

Still, the thing is that the way these chips smelled really made me think of pizza, and not cheap crappy pizza like from that one place on High street that everyone who went to Miami University will know what I'm talking about but I'm not going to name because I don't want to get sued or anything. No, these chips smelled like good pizza with home-made sauce from one of those little mom & pop joints that have been in business since 1962 and the only person who knows the sauce recipe is the old dude working by themselves back in the kitchen.

The chips had a moderate coating of red powder with little flecks of spice that looked like oregano. That's not too surprising, really. I suppose if the flavor powder didn't already make you think of pizza then they'd add color and whatnot to make sure it did.

I found all of this pretty encouraging so I went ahead and ate some chips. Here's a surprise.  You know what? They tasted like pizza.

To be a bit more precise, they had a strong flavor of good pizza sauce without it being overpowering. There might have been some cheese flavor there as well, something like Parmesan or Romano. The flavor was real enough that I could imagine Lay's grinding up and drying whole deep-dish pizzas and sprinkling the powder on potato chips.

Not quite up to DANGER level, but still very good.

Rating: 4/5

Gotta Pop!

Lay's Wavy Bacon Wrapped Jalapeño Popper

As the summer progressed I was getting increasingly worried that Lay's wasn't going to be doing their usual batch of funky flavors. In past years they'd come out much earlier but there was nothing. Then, much to my delight, there was an announcement and a bunch of new chips hit the grocery stores.

Ok ... it's kind of sad that one of the highlights of my summer is potato chips. Nevertheless ...

"Stop with the nattering and tell us about the chips, Doc!" I hear you cry. Right-O!  I'm on it like a donkey on a waffle!

On opening the bag I was greeted to a light, smokey scent with just a hint of vinegar. It was pleasant and encouraging, and not at all overpowering.

I'm always a bit leery of bacon-flavored stuff because sometimes it's way too strong and kind of artificial in the same way that grape-flavored candy usually tastes more purple than grape. At this point in the tangent I should probably reassure you that these chips have no grape flavor or scent whatsoever. The grape thing was just a simile to illustrate my dislike of strong artificial ... never mind.

The chips themselves had a light amount of chip-colored powder with scattered green flecks. They were a bit greasy, but not as bad as kettle chips usually are.

Heartened by the pleasant scent and harmless appearance, I tried one. Huh. I first noticed a very light bacon flavor, and then a hint of cheese and jalapeño. There was just a touch of spiciness that built a bit, but it never got above what I would call "mild."

The thing is, while the first couple of chips were just sort of pleasant, the flavor steadily became more pronounced and more enticing with each one. I quickly discovered that I REALLY like these. I could easily polish off an entire bag without trying, which puts them well into a category which I'm now going to refer to as "DANGER CHIPS".

Rating:  5/5